by Curt Kovener
The late Corean Lewis, my high school English teacher, was the classic teacher in my concept of education. She had a thorough knowledge of English and literature and was able to convey her knowledge so that teenagers could understand. And she was a gentle disciplinarian that none of us wanted to disappoint.
I did not know in the late 1960’s that I would be using her grammar, vocabulary and literary teachings to make a living. I am sure you each have your own instructor you still hold in high esteem.
She taught us that homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.
Keep reading. You’ll wee that English is not easy to write or speak.
•The bandage was ‘wound’ around the ‘wound’.
•The vegetable farm was used to ‘produce produce’.
•The landfill was so full that it had to ‘refuse’ more ‘refuse’.
•We must ‘polish’ the ‘Polish’ furniture.
• He could ‘lead’ if he would get the ‘lead’ out.
•The soldier decided to ‘desert’ his dessert in the ‘desert’.
•Since there is no time like the ‘present’, he thought it was time to ‘present’ the ‘present’.
•A ‘bass’ was painted on the head of the ‘bass’ drum.
•When the gun fired, the ‘dove dove ‘into the bushes.
•I did not ‘object’ to the ‘object’.
•The insurance was ‘invalid’ for the ‘invalid’.
•There was a ‘row’ among the oarsmen about how to ‘row’.
•They were too ‘close’ to the door to ‘close’ it.
•The buck ‘does’ funny things when the ‘does’ are present.
•A seamstress and a ‘sewer’ fell down into a ‘sewer’ line.
•To help with planting, the farmer taught his ‘sow’ to ‘sow’.
•The ‘wind’ was too strong to ‘wind’ the sail.
•Upon seeing the ‘tear’ in the painting I shed a ‘tear’.
•I had to ‘subject’ the ‘subject’ to a series of tests.
•How can I ‘intimate’ this to my most ‘intimate’ friend?
Let’s face it— English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in a pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why don’t preachers praught?
Why do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’?
Sometimes I think all we English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.