by Curt Kovener
Maturity matters. Those less than a half-century old will be scratching their head at these because they won’t get it. And if you do, don’t be rolling your eyes.
•It’s weird being the same age as old people.
•The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring bourbon.”
•When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
•Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
•Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
•It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
•Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Husband: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
•Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!
•We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to: ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’
•If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
•I have started using 2020 as profanity. As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
•I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
•So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
•If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
•I’m at that age where my mind thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, but my body keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
•Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
•I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
•You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
•We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.