by Curt Kovener
For those who thought the hardest part of Charles Bard’s CHS high school physics class was the constant conversion from metric to English units, here are some useful Hoosier Humor System Conversions. And if you have to ask “who was Charles Bard?” stop reading now. You won’t understand this column.
•Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
•2,000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
•1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
•Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
•Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
•Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
•365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling: 1 lite year
•16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
•Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
•1,000 aches: 1 megahurtz
•Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
•453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
•1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
•1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
•365.25 days: 1 unicycle
•2,000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
•10 cards: 1 decacards
•1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
•1,000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
•1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
•1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
•10 rations: 1 decoration
•100 rations: 1 C-ration
•2 monograms: 1 diagram
•8 nickels: 2 paradigms
•2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
•100 Senators: Not 1 decision
•Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line