by Curt Kovener
These are not my thoughts. These are the observations of comedians. Please read them with your funny bone tuned in. And don’t blame me. I’m just the messenger.
“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
— Dave Barry
“A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.”
–Christopher Case
“My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim’.”
—Paula Poundstone
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh!”
—Conan O’Brien
“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.
– Rita Mae Brown
“ Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?”
— Lily Tomlin
“I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.”
— Jeff Stilson
“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: “This looks much better on.” On what? On fire?”
— Marsha Warfield
“Have you ever noticed… Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
—George Carlin
“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
—Rita Rudner
“I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.”
—Carol Leifer
“I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.”
—Ed Bluestone
“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.”
—Jackie Gleason
“I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”
—Jay Leno
And my favorite: “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
— Johnny Carson
