by Curt Kovener
My late grandmother often told me “Getting old isn’t for sissies.” Of course I was young and wasn’t ready to pay attention. But these last 10 years or so, my Grandma has really gotten wise even though she passed in the 1980’s.
But here is more wisdom I have gleaned from my time with gray hair and Medicare
•I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, it’s just 50 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne. Life is great.
•I changed my car horn to sound like gunshots. People really get out of the way much faster now.
•Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
•I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
•When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
•The biggest lie I tell myself is… ” I don’t have to write that down. I’ll remember it”.
•I don’t have gray hair… let’s call them “wisdom highlights.” I’m just very wise now like my grandma was.
•If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees or given me longer arms.
•Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
•Why do I have to press one for English when they are just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
•Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
•At my age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
•I am publishing this in my newspaper column because I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names. Please buy them a copy of the paper.