by Curt Kovener
Corean Lewis was a high school English and literature teacher at Crothersville for several decades. She impressed upon all of her students the importance of expanding our vocabulary.
I don’t think these are what Mrs. Lewis meant. But she would have smiled.
Coffee: a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted: appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade: to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly: impotent.
Negligent: describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph: to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle: an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence: the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash: a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle: a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude: the formal: dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster: a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Pokemon: A Jamaican proctologist.
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that: when you die: your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent: the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Tatyr: a lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid: such as your septic tank.
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.
Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.
Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: terminal coolness.
Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.
Burglesque: a poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It’s like: when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.
Glibido: all talk and no action.
Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.
Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato.
Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS: which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
