by Curt Kovener
Two of our recent columns which generated a good deal of smiles and comments were on church bulletin bloopers and newspaper boo-boos.
Some of my Internet colleagues have sent more humorous gaffs from both the religious and journalistic realms for me to share.
•Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: “The Gate of Heaven.” Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: “Please use other entrance.”
•Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: “Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am.”
•A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk. “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 50 Protestant and 50 Catholic ones.”
•On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, “Well, I guess we won’t have a service today.” The farmer replied: “Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it.” And so the preacher began his sermon. An hour and 20 minutes later he said “Amen” and asked the farmer, what he thought of it. “Well,” said the farmer, “even if only one cow showed up to feed I would give her the whole wagon load.”
•During a children’s sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what “Amen” means. A little boy raised his hand and said: “It means tha-tha-tha-that’s all folks!”
•A student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order. His answer? “3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.”
•Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip, tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son, Jeffy, said, “Daddy, how do you know what to draw?” I said, “God tells me.” Jeffy said, “Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?”
•After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.” “Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?” “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”
•My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” she replied. “Just say what you hear mommy say,” my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
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The Year’s Best Actual News Headlines
•Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
•Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
•Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
•Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
•Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
•Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
•Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
•Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
•British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
•Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
•Eye Drops Off Shelf
•Teachers Strike Idle Kids
•Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
•Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
•Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
•Miners Refuse to Work after Death
•Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
•Stolen Painting Found by Tree
•Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
•Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
•War Dims Hope for Peace
•If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
•Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
•Deer Kill 17,000
•Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
•Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
•Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
•New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
•Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
•Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
•Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
•Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
•Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
•New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
•Hospital is Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
