by Curt Kovener 
In the past when I have written about weather conditions in this column, they change by the time my thoughts appear in the newspaper.
If I write about how cold its been or all the snow and ice we have, there is an unseasonable warm spell by mid-week.
So in that vein I am doing a public service to write about how hot & dry it has been.
While driving through Jackson County farm country, there seemed to be considerable white fluffy stuff on the ground in corn fields. It wasn’t snow but corn kernels which had popped off the cob in the fields.
I did fry an egg on my sidewalk last week though I broke the yolk in trying to flip it. Apparently I failed to use enough butter. I didn’t eat it because I prefer my eggs over easy. But Charley appreciated my mistake.
The trees on the property give Charley a warm, appreciative hug when he selects them for 3-legged periodic moisture distribution. He refers to it as checking his pee-mail.
Rather than spraying the crabgrass in the stone driveway, I have been pulling the clumps of vegetation. I believe I have heard some sighs of relief as the struggling weeds are euthanized and are placed out of their misery.
I went to pick some grapes for next year’s wine, but all I got was raisins.
It’s been so hot even the jalapeño peppers I ate with lunch offered some cooling relief.
I have been saving some money on my water heating costs. Water coming out of the cold tap is the right temperature for brewing coffee and taking a shower.
There was a traffic jam at the stoplight last week. A vehicle stopped for the red light but could proceed after its tires had melted to the pavement.
As I meander through neighborhoods I kept hearing a high pitched noise akin to a mosquito buzzing near my ear. Upon closer investigation, it was the electric meters of the area suppling power for air conditioners.
I tried to mix me a drink over the weekend but was unsuccessful when the ice refused to come out of the freezer to make the ultimate sacrifice for my gin and tonic. And for my Baptist friends, the ice wouldn’t come out for my ice tea, either.
I spent quite a bit of time outdoors Sunday afternoon. But I didn’t have to wipe any perspiration. It turned to steam as soon as it hit the air.
And speaking of Sunday’s, gratefully the area ministers have cut back on their usual hell fire & brimstone sermons as to not contribute to the misery.
But in that vein, I think the best, most effective sermon in weather like this is this brief message one minister equivocated: “Want to spend eternity with no air conditioning with temperatures like we’ve been having the past weeks? Then you better straighten up. Amen.”
OK, let’s see if this weather column works like the others have. At least, we can hope.
