by Curt Kovener
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
– Unknown
After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”
– Larry Brown
Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I never tried.
– Mae West
When in doubt, duck.
– Malcolm Forbes
You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
– Mark Twain
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
– Erma Bombeck
The best revenge is to live long enough to be a problem to your children.
– Unknown
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
– Garrison Kiellor
It is more fun contemplating someone else’s navel than your own.
– Arthur Hoppe
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
– A.H. Weiler
What a beautiful fix we are in now; peace has been declared.
– Napoleon Bonaparte
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
– Kin Hubbard
Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser.
– Unknown
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
– Muhammad Ali
I’m immortal…so far.
– Earle Robinson
It is in the ability to deceive oneself that the greatest talent is shown.
– Anatole France
No individual raindrop ever considers itself responsible for the flood.
– Anonymous
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
– General George S. Patton
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates
A citizen can hardly distinguish between a tax and a fine, except that a fine is generally much lighter.
– G.K. Chesterson
Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons, but one out of every one.
– Dr. Karl Menninger
There are more important things in life than a little money, and one of them is a lot of money.
– Anonymous
The two most beautiful words in the English language are “Check Enclosed.”
– Dorothy Parker
I never write “metropolis” for seven cents because I can get the same price for “city.” I never write “policeman” because I can get the same money for “cop.”
– Mark Twain
There is a great discovery still to be made in literature: That of paying literary men for the quantity they do not write.
– Thomas Carlyle
Blessed are they who have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded to say it.
– James Russell Lowell
They copied all they could copy, But they couldn’t copy my mind;
And I left them sweatin’ and stealin’, A year-and-a-half behind.
– Rudyard Kipling
If I could get my membership fee back, I’d resign from the human race.
– Fred Allen
You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves.
– Michael Wilding
If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
– Anatole France
If you took all the politicians in the world and laid them end-to-end, it would be a pretty good idea.
– Anonymous
