by Curt Kovener
Adequately funding police departments is problematic. Decreasing tax revenue from a legislature that claims to support police but prefers cutting taxes to get re-elected coupled with increasing costs of equipment and vehicles frequently leaves law enforcement having to make do.
So coming up with new, creative revenue streams (that’s contemporary business speak abbreviated BS) got me to thinking… something that causes fear in some, astonishment in others.
In addition to weapons, police also carry tasers. Tasers are a non-lethal (usually) tool for subduing by electrical shock otherwise uncooperative people the police wish to take into custody. They don’t leave the bruises of a billy club and the telltale hole of a bullet.
Tasers and their necessary batteries are increasingly expensive to purchase & replace. Absent outside help, there just isn’t sufficient tax dollars.
Stay with me and read on as I lay out my crowd funding idea. What if the tasers could be used to raise more money for police endeavors?
Remember back in the day (OK, w-a-y back in the day), when each community had a local rock & roll band on which they hung some pride. There frequently was a battle of the bands at the county fair where each little burg showed their support for their group by whooping and hollering at appropriate times.
Maybe we could combine community pride in our police with the allure of TV wrestling, the appeal of donkey basketball with the simulated combat of paintball, and have a single elimination tournament with all the county’s police agencies meet for a daylong competition. The premise is to find which police department has the best, most resourceful taser triggerman.
Now who wouldn’t pay money to go watch the police shoot each other with non-lethal cooperation inducing tasers?
I’m telling you, this premises has the basis for a good reality TV show. (Well, just as good as some of the reality TV shows airing today.)
Just think, the school gymnasium or football field could be set up with wrecked cars, dumpsters, trash cans, derelict building shells, and innocent bystanders all to mimic urban warfare…or maybe just a typical day on patrol.
At the sound of the buzzer two community police departments begin sneaking around… excuse me, begin implementing undercover surveillance techniques using whatever cover they can in an attempt to get closer to their adversary to tase, subdue and score points for their community’s department.
And what grand fun it would be for police and spectators alike to hear grown men scream like a girl as two tiny darts with several thousand volts cause them to fall to the floor like a quivering pile of gelatin rendering them subdued. Heck, I bet some of them even wet their pants, which would score extra points for the taserer.
And this day-long entertaining fundraiser could even be called training. In addition to the large numbers of law abiding citizens buying a ticket to support their police department, I’ll betcha that there would be some wanted fugitives who would show up to gleefully watch
the police subdue one another. They would cheer loudly and probably profanely as law enforcement… any law enforcement officer… gets a jolt of bowel evacuating electricity.
At the entrance of the event there could be undercover officers with facial recognition software and a computer full of mug shots along with a file folder full of outstanding warrants. Why go looking for criminals when the criminals would come willingly to you? There would be arrests galore jails would be filled to overflowing, court dockets would be crammed full.
At the end of the day, the police department with the last man (or woman) standing would get the equivalent of the Super Bowl’s Lombardi trophy. The winner, in addition to bragging rights of the community and an equal share in the gate proceeds, gets the sure-to-be coveted “I Shot The Sheriff” trophy.