by Curt Kovener
Cussin’ Bill, who is a weekly distant reader of the Times and an occasional contributor of foolishness you sometimes read here, sent me some jewels that I felt obliged to share with my local readers.
•I finally got around to watching the documentary on clocks…it was about time.
•A tombstone with a typo? That’s a grave mistake!
• My wife and I can’t count calories and we have the figures to prove it.
•I made a chicken salad last night. Apparently they prefer grain.
•Fruit farmers eat what they can and can what they can’t.
•I’m taking step to overcome my hiking addiction. I’m not out of the woods yet.
•Women’s roofing expo this weekend. All the shingle ladies will be there!
•My doctor said I have nigh nitrates so I’m switching to day rates.
•My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read anything on the list!
•My dentist married my manicurist. They fought tooth and nail.
•I have a back eye in karate.
•The banana went to the doctor because it wasn’t peeling well.
•I bought a fake koi fish. It’s my dekoi.
•Great hide & seek players are really hard to find.
•Laughing out loud is forbidden in Hawaii because it is a low ha state.
•Swarms of insects threaten town. Police deploy the swat team.
•Larva was a great band before the Beatles emerged.
•James Bond has gray hair in his latest film “No Time To Dye”.
•Ants never get sick because they have little anty bodies.
•I married my wife for her looks…but not the one’s she’s been giving me lately.
•I wear memory foam insoles to remember why I walked into the room.
•When you dream in color it’s a pigment of your imagination.
•To spell the word panda you just need two letters: p and a.
•It doesn’t make any cents but volunteering is rewarding.
•I think my wife is putting glue on my firearms. She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns.
•Headline: Man In Boxers Leads Police On Brief Chase.
•I got booted out of the coffee club because I wore a tea shirt.
•All boarding school taught me was how to get on an airplane.
•I wanted to marry a Carbon 14 expert but all she wanted to do was date.
•Being a mirror inspector is something I could really see myself doing.
•To make a long story short, I became an editor.
And so it goes from Cussin’ Bill.