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by Curt Kovener

 If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.

~ Dave Barry

 I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not? If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?”

~ Larry Miller

My girlfirend broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.

~ Christopher Case

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.

~ Paula Poundstone

 A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh! ~ Conan O’Brien

 Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

~ Sue Murphy

 The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.

~ Rita Mae Brown

 Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

~ Bob Ettinger

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

 The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”

~ Jerry Seinfeld

 Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God… I could be eating a slow learner.

 – Lynda Montgomery

 I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”

~ Richard Jeni

 If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

 Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.

~ Paul Rodriguez

 Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?

~ Lily Tomlin

 Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

 Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That’s why you should never date a baseball player.

~ Marsha Warfield

 I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.

~ Jeff Stilson

 I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

~ Lily Tomlin

 Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: “This looks much better on.” On what? On fire?

~ Marsha Warfield

 Have you ever noticed… Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

~ George Carlin

 You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

~ Ellen DeGeneres

 I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

~ Rita Rudner

 I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.

~ Ed Bluestone