by Curt Kovener
(This is an encore column from the Curt Comments archives.)
With apologizes to Stephen Wright, Jerry Seinfeld and George Carlin, we share the following at your own risk:
•Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
•Does the Little Mermaid wear an alge-bra?
•Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
•How is it possible to have a civil war?
•If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
•If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
•If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
•If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
•If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
•If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
•If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
•Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
•Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
•Where are we going? And what’s with this handbasket?
•If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
•Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
•If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
•If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
•The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
•I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
•If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
•Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
With a nod to my doctor who recently completed my routine with negative results colonoscopy (and, no, dear reader, he did not find my head). It’s a good thing that we aren’t awake and aware during surgery. If we were here are some things we wouldn’t want to hear:
•Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
•Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what’s that?
•Hand me that…uh…that uh…that thingie.
•Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
•Everybody stand back—I lost my contact lens.
•Could you stop that machine from beeping; it’s throwing my concentration off.
•I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.