Units & Measures

by Curt Kovener 

There are some of us who thought the hardest part of Charles A. Bard’s high school physics class was the constant conversion from metric to English units.

For the Gen-Xers and Millenials and other youngsters who do not know local school history, Charles A. Bard was a classic long time math teacher at CHS. You are at a loss for being born too late. But you should take that up with your parents.

Here are some not-so-useful Hoosier Humor System Conversions that would have caused even Mr. Bard to smile.

•Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi.

•2,000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton.

•1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope.

•Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond.

•Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram.

•Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong.

•365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling: 1 lite year.

•16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling.

•Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon.

•1,000 aches: 1 megahurtz.

•Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower.

•453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake.

•1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone.

•1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles.

•2,000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (It’s not math, it’s a literature joke.)

•10 cards: 1 decacards

•1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

•1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

•1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

•10 rations: 1 decoration

•100 rations: 1 C-ration

•8 nickels: 2 paradigms

•2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

•Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)

And the one that is unfortunately too #$%^& true:

•100 Senators: Not 1 decision