by Curt Kovener
For those who thought the hardest part of Charles Bard’s high school physics class was the constant conversion from metric to English units, here are some useful Hoosier Humor System Conversions.
•Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
•2,000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
•1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
•Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
•Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
•Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
•365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling: 1 lite year
•16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
•Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
•1,000 aches: 1 megahurtz
•Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
•453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
•1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
•1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
•365.25 days: 1 unicycle
•2,000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (Think on it a bit)
•10 cards: 1 decacards
•1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
•1,000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
•1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
•1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
•10 rations: 1 decoration
•100 rations: 1 C-ration
•2 monograms: 1 diagram
•8 nickels: 2 paradigms
•2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
•100 Senators: Not 1 decision
•Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
(think about it for a moment)
And while you are thinking about that, think about these:
•Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
•If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
•If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
•Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
•Why do ‘tug’ boats push their barges?
•Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?
•Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
•Why is it called ‘after dark’, when it is really after light?
•Doesn’t ‘expecting the unexpected’ make the unexpected expected?
•Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
•Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
•If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
•If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
•If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
•Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
•Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
•Why is bra singular and panties plural?
by Curt Kovener