This Column Is Full Of . . .

by Curt Kovener

Crothersville’s wastewater collection and treatment system (that’s a long drawn out way of saying sewer) is undergoing remediation (a glorified way of saying fixing and updating) got me to doing some research on defecation (a delicate way of saying looking up crap on crap).
My good friend Bill sings a song about “Don’t let them tear that little brown building down” meaning the old style outhouse.
I have been in certain locales where the shack out back was gratefully implemented.
In the winter the breezes are brisk in places that rarely feel the wind blow. Though there is something somewhat peaceful watching Mother Nature’s snow fall while waiting for nature to take its course in other matters.
In the summer there is no way of being delicate about the odor, no matter how much lime you may sprinkle on your occasional offering. And then there is the matter of wasps. They can build their nest in places where tender body parts are left exposed.
My advice is to not only check on the outhouse door as you enter, then the nooks and crannies of the rafters, then inspect down under the seat of the throne. And that may require a bit of breath holding and contortion but believe me, your bare behind is no match for wasps who feel it is initiating a home invasion.
You don’t have to worry about flushing when you are done so outhouses are a water saving device in that respect.
And consider these facts about toilets and our use of them:
•The average person spends three years of his/her life sitting on the toilet.
•On average, Americans visit the loo six times a day.
•Depending on the toilet’s water capacity, a person flushes between 2,000-7,000 gallons of water per year. (That helps explain why the local sewer plant requires some updating.)
•About a quarter of all homes in America are not connected to a municipal waste system.
•An estimated 2.6 billion people worldwide do not have access to proper toilet facilities.
•Only 9% of the household worldwide have toilets but 20% have television sets.