Thanksgiving Weather Report

by Curt Kovener

The Times has received an early weather report from our in-house weather prognosticators.
Turkeys will thaw this evening, then warm in the oven tomorrow to a noontime high near 190° F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the late afternoon, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34° F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50% chance of scattered soup and occasional dressing and gravy late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops.
By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.