Not In The Dictionary…But Should Be

Curt-lineby Curt Kovener

Corean Lewis was a high school English and literature teacher at Crothersville for several decades. She impressed upon all of her students the importance of expanding our vocabulary.

I don’t think these are what Mrs. Lewis meant. But she would have smiled.

Coffee: a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted: appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade: to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly: impotent.

Negligent: describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph: to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle: an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence: the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash: a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle: a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude: the formal: dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster: a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Pokemon: A Jamaican proctologist.

Frisbeetarianism: The belief that: when you die: your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent: the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Tatyr: a lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid: such as your septic tank.

Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.

Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.

Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.

Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: terminal coolness.

Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.

Burglesque: a poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

Karmageddon: It’s like: when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.

Glibido: all talk and no action.

Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.

Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.

Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato.
Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS: which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.