Important Things I Hope I Can Remember

Curt-lineby Curt Kovener

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

– Unknown

After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”

– Larry Brown

Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I never tried.

– Mae West

When in doubt, duck.

– Malcolm Forbes

You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

– Mark Twain

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

– Erma Bombeck

The best revenge is to live long enough to be a problem to your children.

– Unknown

Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.

– Garrison Kiellor

It is more fun contemplating someone else’s navel than your own.

– Arthur Hoppe

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

– A.H. Weiler

What a beautiful fix we are in now; peace has been declared.

– Napoleon Bonaparte

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

– Kin Hubbard

Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser.

– Unknown

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

– Muhammad Ali

I’m immortal…so far.

– Earle Robinson

It is in the ability to deceive oneself that the greatest talent is shown.

– Anatole France

No individual raindrop ever considers itself responsible for the flood.

– Anonymous

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

– General George S. Patton

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

– Socrates

A citizen can hardly distinguish between a tax and a fine, except that a fine is generally much lighter.

– G.K. Chesterson

Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons, but one out of every one.

– Dr. Karl Menninger

There are more important things in life than a little money, and one of them is a lot of money.

– Anonymous

The two most beautiful words in the English language are “Check Enclosed.”

– Dorothy Parker

I never write “metropolis” for seven cents because I can get the same price for “city.” I never write “policeman” because I can get the same money for “cop.”

– Mark Twain

There is a great discovery still to be made in literature: That of paying literary men for the quantity they do not write.

– Thomas Carlyle

Blessed are they who have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded to say it.

– James Russell Lowell

They copied all they could copy, But they couldn’t copy my mind;

And I left them sweatin’ and stealin’, A year-and-a-half behind.

– Rudyard Kipling

If I could get my membership fee back, I’d resign from the human race.

– Fred Allen

You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves.

– Michael Wilding

If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

– Anatole France

If you took all the politicians in the world and laid them end-to-end, it would be a pretty good idea.

– Anonymous