by Curt Kovener
Last week’s front page photo of the local police getting tasers got me to thinking…something that causes fear in some, astonishment in others.
In case you missed it, tasers are a non-lethal (usually) tool for subduing otherwise uncooperative people the police wish to take into custody. They don’t leave the bruises of a billy club and the telltale hole of a bullet.
Stay with me and read on as I lay out my idea.
The tasers were purchased through a grant from the Jackson County Prosecutor’s office. Absent outside help, there would be no purchase because there just isn’t sufficient tax dollars.
What if the tasers could be used to raise more money for police endeavors?
Remember back in the day (OK, way back in the day), when each community had a garage band on which they hung some pride. Then there was a battle of the bands at the county fair where each little burg showed their support for their group by whooping and hollering at appropriate times. (For the record, The Mustangs of Crothersville won the county fair grandstand’s Battle of the Bands.)
Maybe we could combine community pride in our police with the allure of TV wrestling with the simulated combat of paintball, and have a single elimination tournament with all the county’s police agencies meet for a daylong competition. The premise is to find which police department has the best, most resourceful taser triggerman.
Now who wouldn’t pay money to go watch the police shoot each other with non-lethal cooperation inducing tasers?
I’m telling you, this premises has the basis for a good reality TV show. (Well, it’s just as good as some of the reality TV shows on the air now.)
Just think, the school gymnasium could be set up with wrecked cars, dumpsters, trash cans, derelict building shells, and innocent bystanders all to mimic urban warfare…or maybe just a typical day on patrol.
At the sound of the buzzer two community police departments begin sneaking around…excuse me, begin using undercover surveillance using whatever cover they can in an attempt to get closer to their adversary to tase, subdue and score points for their community’s team.
And what grand fun it would be for police and spectators alike to hear grown men scream like a girl as two tiny darts with several thousand volts cause them to fall to the floor like a quivering pile of gelatin rendering them subdued. Heck, I bet some of them even wet their pants.
And this day-long fundraiser could even be called training.
And, in addition to the large numbers of law abiding citizens buying a ticket to support their police department, I’ll betcha that there would be some wanted fugitives who would show up to watch the police subdue one another. They would cheer loudly and smugly as law enforcement…any law enforcement officer… gets a shot of electricity. Of course there could be undercover officers at the door with a computer full of mug shots and a file folder full of outstanding warrants and there would be arrests galore.
And at the end of the day, the police department with the last man (or woman) standing would get the equivalent of the Super Bowl’s Lombardi trophy. The winner, in addition to bragging rights of the community, gets the sure to be coveted “I Shot The Sheriff” trophy.
And, of course, all participants receive complimentary donuts.
by Curt Kovener