I Intend To live Forever…So Far, So Good

Curt-lineby Curt Kovener

Steven Wright is a brilliant comedian with a laconic, deadpan delivery. His thoughts–like his quote used in the title of this week’s column–sometimes pass you by but sometimes we can catch-up if we review. Here are some of his observations for you to ponder.

  • Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
  • Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
  • I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’
  • I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’
  • I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.
  • I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
  • It usually helps me write by reading – somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
  • I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
  • I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.
  • If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
  • The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to the North Pole. Now Santa Claus is missing.
  • When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.
  • My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
  • They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
  • I broke a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
  • Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
  • Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
  • For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
  • When I was 16… I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because… they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • Hermits have no peer pressure.

And perhaps the one to which we can relate: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.