God Has Found Me Online & He Needs My Help

by Curt Kovener          

I got an e-mail the other day and…well, you know, if you read it on the internet it just has to be true. This email was from God Allah and he was asking the press for help.

Now why he is asking what many of you call the @#$%^& media for help I do not know but God works in mysterious ways and just who are YOU to question the Almighty methods.

Since the Times readers are a benevolent group helping those in need, I wanted to share with you my e-mail from God.

“Help! I am Allah, God of The Religions, am now here on Earth, and asking the Press to help Me locate an organization, community or nation to receive Me. Here is all you have to do on behalf of your company, community or nation: send an email to god @llah.mobi or call 707-925-2488 and say something such as “On behalf of, (your company, community, or nation) We want to welcome you, God Allah.”

Be sure to include your email, cellphone text number (if you have one), name and phone number.

Then I will contact you back through email with more information about how this applies to your company, community, or nation. If you want to learn more of God Allah (or God the Father of Christianity) see a church or mosque near you for more information.

Please be advised this is a very, serious emergency for many people around the world so you are advised to communicate with Me immediately. Also, due to the nature of this emergency, it is possible there could be spiritual repercussions for your failure to comply. Thanks.

God Allah

Author, Holy Quran / Bible

Lord of the Worlds

I guess I was surprised with the Almighty’s e-mail on a number of fronts:

•I didn’t realize God would contact the media for assistance. I didn’t think he needed any assistance in the PR Department. He is God, you know and he has all of those in pulpits on Sunday speaking on His behalf. But perhaps he realizes the power of the press. A fact many of you mortals still pooh-pooh.

•I didn’t realize God was high tech with an e-mail address. I thought just a prayerful conversation with him was okay at anytime. Hmmm…with so many people with troubles in the world, I wonder if his e-mail box gets too full. And what if you are on his spam list?

•Why does the  Almighty need my name, cell phone number, land line number? I thought he was omniscient and omnipresent.

•I suppose that I should be impressed and humbled that there is a worldwide emergency for some people and God is wanting little old me to get back with him immediately to help him out.

•But I gotta tell you that the threat of “spiritual repercussions” for my “failure to comply” sounds rather like “you better do as I say or there’s going to be trouble”. And that sounds a whole lot like most mothers.

•I can also tell you that God has a post office box in San Mateo, California where he probably accepts our cash offering. Which, I suspect, was the entire purpose of his email.