Ghost Riders Soiling Town Sidewalks

by Curt Kovener

Did you ever wonder why we have so many laws, ordinances and rules? Some of them seemingly so asinine because they try to enforce what most of us consider common sense. Usually laws come about because only a very few people do things offensive to others.
(Now cue up the Bobby Fuller Four “I Fought The Law & The Law Won” for background music.)
Why do we have speed limits? Because some people think they have to be somewhere faster than anybody else and are frequently careless about driving at higher speeds. Maybe they are a Tony Stewart, Dale Earnhardt (Sr. & Jr.) or Shirley Muldowney wannabe.
Why do we have parking restrictions? Because some people think they should park for long periods of time or even overnight on streets too narrow for others to safely pass.
Why do we have laws about the maximum height of grass and weeds? Because some people are irresponsible, lazy or don’t live in the community therefore have to look at knee high weeds. So the town passes laws about the height of vegetation. Let lawn grow too high & you’ll get a warning letter. Continue to let nature take its course and the town/city will mow it for you and send you the bill. Don’t pay it and it will go on your property taxes.
So now the Town of Crothersville has become an Anti-Defecation League community. Already on the books was an ordinance about not allowing your dog or cat to ‘do its business’ on public or someone else’s property without picking up the au natural offerings.
Hint: a plastic Wal-Mart bag makes an excellent pooper picker-upper device. You can grab the pile, turn the bag inside out therefore never touching the shi … um, stuff… and warm your hand if you like until you find a proper disposal device.
But recently some unknown cowboy has been riding his/her horse on town sidewalks and the equine is leaving road-apples on the concrete people walkways.
Apparently no one has identified the horseman/woman and the only evidence of his/her visit in town is the horse’s calling card.
Town officials are convinced that the ghost rider is from out of town because it is against town ordinance to raise or harbor livestock inside the town limits. Want to guess how that law was needed?
So now the town has amended its animal ordinance requiring owners of not just dogs and cats but now all animals to clean up after them.
One left bowel movement will cost you $25, poop again and it be $50 from your wallet, and the third time it’s $75 because you failed to wipe afterwards.
But many inquiring minds want to know what kind of candy-ass hombre rides his/her horse on a sidewalk? Some say that’s akin to a Harley rider cruising town with training wheels. Roy Rogers, Hop-a-long Cassidy, Tom Mix, The Lone Ranger, Matt Dillon and even Clint Eastwood are ashamed by your lack of sanitary actions and courage to fess up to your crime, Festus.
So because of this lily-livered sidewalk ridin’ side-winder whose obviously a worthless good for nothing cowboy wannbe, the town taxpayers are paying for this desperado’s messy deeds.
You hear that Sugar Foot? The town is calling you out, you yellow-bellied, chicken-squat, hidin’ behind your mama’s skirt coward. The showdown will be at high noon on Christmas Day in front of the police station on Moore Street.
So show your lowly carcass,unless you have a yellow streak down your back.
On the other hand, I guess we should be thankful the ghost rider doesn’t have a cattle drive through town. But don’t be surprised…