Don’t Blame Me Life Made Me That Way

by Curt Kovener

Some wisdom, observations and logic gained from being around this world for nearly 60 years…
•Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
•I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.
•Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
•Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
•The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
•But if I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
•We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
•War does not determine who is right…only who is left.
•Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
•The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
•The evening news on TV is where they begin with ‘good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
•To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
•A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
•How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
•Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
•Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “Doctor”.
•I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
•Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
•Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
•A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
•You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
•Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
•Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
•I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
•There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
•I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
•When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
•You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
•To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
•Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
•The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.