Don’t Blame Me, Life Made Me That Way

In light of social distancing, fun-times cancellations, the mental and emotional anxiety caused by coronavirus, perhaps it is time again for a column of real-life(?) lightheartedness(?) and observations from my caustic desk calendar.
•Better grab your dumbrella. It’s really stupid out there today.
•There’s that awkward moment when you’re wearing Nikes and find you just can’t do it.
•Whenever I fee the need to exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
•The president suggests we sip disinfectant to kill coronavirus. I say we should eat makeup so we can all be pretty on the inside too.
•People sometimes say “You’ll regret that in the morning,” so I sleep until noon because I’m not a problem solver.
•This ‘new normal’ we deal with doesn’t sound fun at all.
•Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day!
•Deja Poo: the feeling you have heard all of this crap before.
•Some things are better left unsaid…which we realize right after we’ve said them.
•My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma, well played.
•Alexa: skip to Friday
•Mirrors can’t talk. Lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
•Perhaps we should all be thankful that spiders and snakes don’t fly.
•My neighbor’s diary says I have boundary issues.
•If Facebook has taught us anything, it’s that a lot of people aren’t quite ready for a spelling bee.
•Your decision-making skills closely resemble a squirrel when crossing the street.
•Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
•It’s an aging thing: I came, I saw, and I forgot what I was doing.
•In my defense, I was left unsupervised.