Don’t Blame Me, Life Made Me That Way

by Curt Kovener

I do not know if schools still issue a hard-copy report card. Perhaps email, text or some specialized app may get student grades to parents these days. But back in the middle part of the last century, report cards got their name because they were on card stock to be taken home by the student for signing by the parent. This was done to help ensure that parents knew the scholastic progress of their progeny.
I did not fret or fear report card day as I generally brought home A’s & B’s, unlike my younger siblings. However my downfall was conduct where there were frequent D’s. Fortunately, conduct was not counted toward one’s honor roll achievement. My father maintained that those below average grades were because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I maintain that it was educator retribution because most teachers clearly misunderstood my twisted razor sharp wit.
Take for example some of the following thoughts and observations on the human condition.
•‘Revenge’ sounds so mean. That’s why I like to call it ‘returning the favor’.
•I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
•Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business again.
•Friday is my second favorite F-word. The first is food—definitely food.
•Sometimes I need what only you can provide…your absence.
•I can’t be responsible for what my face does when you talk.
•Did you fall from Heaven? Because so did Satan.
•You can tell when I am forced to use those self-checkouts in big box stores. I’m the guy yelling at the screen “There is no unexpected item in the bagging area!”
•I haven’t lost my mind. Half of it just wandered off and the other half went looking for it.
•There is no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
•Everyone was thinking it. I just said it.
•If people don’t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you’re doing something wrong.
•Some people call them swear words. I call them attention compelling sentence enhancers.
•I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the nose but with words.
•I had my patience tested. I’m negative.