by Curt Kovener
•Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, a beautiful tradition where families and friends join together to raise America’s obesity rates.
•I am a person who wants to do a lot of things, trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
•You know you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
•NoVinophobia: the fear of running out of wine in quarantine.
•I can tell today is going to be a “doesn’t play well with others” kind of day.
•I wish more people were fluent in silence.
•Whoever invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
•I used to be a people person…but people ruined that for me.
•The next time you think about taking up jogging remember Proverbs 28:1 “the wicked run when no one is chasing them.”
•I finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.
•The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
•Always give 100%…unless you’re giving blood.
•The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
•People who tolerate me on a daily basis: they’re the real heroes.
•I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
•I don’t treat people badly. I treat them accordingly.
•I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
•I was hoping for a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.
•Think. It’s not illegal yet.
•Lying through your teeth does not count as flossing.
•I don’t like to make plans for the day because words like “premeditated” get thrown around in the courtroom.
•What doesn’t kill you just gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor.
•I’d like to thank my middle finger for always being there, sticking up for me all those times when I needed it most.