Astute Observations On The Life Condition

Curt-lineby Curt Kovener

Cussin’ Bill… I mean Cousin Bill occasionally sends me some column fodder as he did recently. So blame him, not me for this week’s offering.

  • When threats of a snow or ice storm are imminent, the amateurs go buy bread and milk at the grocery. We professionals go to the liquor store.
  • I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. Everyone knows me here.
  • I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
  • I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.
  • The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
  • If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.
  • Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
  • No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.
  • Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
  • Marriage changes passion… suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
  • Didja ever notice that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
  • Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
  • I signed up for an exercise class to lose weight and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t need the durned class!
  • Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
  • The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
  • Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Or, don’t argue with an idiot; they will wear you down to their level then beat you with experience.
  • Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.