by Curt Kovener
I cannot…on second thought make that will not take credit for these. Cuzzin’ Bill (or is that Cussin’ Bill?) sent these intellectual(?) gems(?) to share…so I am. But don’t blame me, I’m just the messenger. Alls ya’ll can take the matter up with him at the family reunion later this month.
• If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
• Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
• You can avoid arguments with your spouse about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
• For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
• A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
• If you have a bad cough, take a dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
• Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools- WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
• Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. (Cuzzin’ Bill is considerably older than I but I know he speaks the truth on this one.)
• Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
