All I Want For Christmas Is No High Tech

Curt-lineby Curt Kovener

We need not worry this holiday season about any faux war on Christmas, the commercialization of the holiday and its false profits, or whether there will be any or too much snow

What I worry about are the demons of high tech. I am embarrassed that my phone is smarter than me, my computer is smarter than me, and my TV is smarter than me. About the only thing I think is not as smart as me is this tree stump at the bottom of the lane where the raccoons and possums like to leave digested calling cards just to let me know what they think of me.

Actually, I don’t think my phone is smarter than me but the software engineers are. They are a devious, sadistic, selfish bunch only thinking how they can offer the most new & improved du jour.

How else can you explain that after I am warned umptileven times that I need to update the applications that came with my phone, and after I do, I no longer know how to use them because all that was needed and familiar has been placed somewhere else where I have yet to find it?

Or how about the treacherous software engineer who places a “No Thanks” button right next to the “Accept” button. Frequently my eyesight and fat fumble fingers combine forces to hit the wrong button. Hitting the wrong button at the wrong time has been a frequent story in my life.

But the most despicable high tech terrorist is the one who changes how software is acquired or updated without any concern about customers’ use or approval.

Case in point, the mailing software I must use to prepare the newspaper for the post office decided they were going strictly digital. No more would they send me those USPS necessary bi-monthly DVDs with updated addresses through the USPS. Nope, they now require me to download those updates over the Internet.

Folks, that is an example of irony when the software I use to prepare the newspaper for mailing decides not to use the mail.

Of course the software company and its non-caring sadistic Satan inspired engineers are in Seattle, home of many high-tech providers. They have ultra-high-speed Internet. What do they care if out here in the sticks of Indiana it now takes over two and a half hours to download their USPS mandated updates? It’s a new and improved product and I ought to be durned happy.

Actually, its probably not software engineers but spreadsheet studying accountants who thought if they send the information over the internet they can save the company about $6 a year in DVD costs. “So what if it takes our customers more time. We make more money!”

So, Santa, I hope you can understand why this Christmas I don’t want anything high-tech. Just a cozy chair in front of a warm fireplace and a book or a movie will be a fine holiday for me.

…That and some low-tech bourbon or single malt scotch.