Advice For The Ages And Aged

by Curt Kovener     

I have a group of newspaper colleagues who are all contemporaries: we all are celebrating our post 59th birthday on this earth. We are half way through a 60’s celebration; our 60’s not the decade. A friend(?) sent me some of the perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 or heading towards 70 (whichever suits you):

•Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

•In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

•No one expects you to run…anywhere.

•People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

•People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

•There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

•Things you buy now won’t wear out.

•You can eat supper at 4:30 p.m. and at a discount.

•You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

•You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

•You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

•You sing along with elevator music.

•Your eyes won’t get much worse.

•Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

•Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the TV weatherman.

•Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

•Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

•Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!