A 7th Inning Stretch…Of A Sort

by Curt Kovener      

A new kind of streaming technology is set to make quite the splash in Allentown, Pennsylvania.

According to an article by Sam Laird the Lehigh Valley IronPigs, a minor league baseball team, has announced plans to bring a pee-controlled urinal video game system to their home field when the season begins later this month.

Yep, that’s right: a pee-controlled urinal video game system. And all most men can say is, “Well, it’s about time!”

The technology comes via Captive Media and is a partnership with a local hospital system to promote men’s prostate health at minor league baseball’s most-frequented stadium.

How does this bit of cutting-edge tech actually work?

First, a male baseball fan walks into any of ballpark’s many men’s rooms. He swaggers up to his urinal of choice with a video monitor mounted near eye level on the wall, above his…uh, station.

Then, “the video console flips into gaming mode, using technology that detects both his presence and a stream of urine,” according to the IronPigs’ press release. Then “algorithms” take over from there, letting “the user engage with the screen by aiming in different directions to test their agility and knowledge.”

After wrapping up, the urinators are presented with a final score and an online access code to look up where they rank against other fans at the game. And, P-Team competitors’ high scores will be posted at the ballpark’s video boards. How’s that for bragging rights, guys?

So just how much fun can you have with a urinal gaming system? The IronPigs promise the season will bring a rotating cast of games.

There’s “Art Splash,” in which p-art-icipants can choose from a palette of bold colors to paint in broad strokes combining eye, hand and penile coordination.

There’s a game in which users pee to race a speeding snowmobile while hitting cartoon penguins for bonus points.

There’s also “Clever Dick,” (that’s their name for the game, not mine) in which users are given true/false trivia questions to answer by peeing left or right. But hopefully, in the excitement of the game, not into your neighbor’s pocket.

This kind of urinal dexterity is nothing new as every grade school age boy (both past and present) will affirmatively attest…if they are truly honest.

Even at home, while standing in front of the toilet in our youth we would practice our bathroom aims at various spots and bubbles in the water. Sometimes our aims weren’t all that good, much to the consternation of our mother. It was especially bad if you sneezed while relieving yourself. Mom really expressed her displeasure with that.

In the winter, we tried our hand at writing our name in the snow.

In light of this new baseball bathroom avocation, some questions arise:

•What will the IronPigs offer their female fans to make their tinkle time more enjoyable?

•Will passing time in an IronPig potty be more fun than the on-field America’s pastime?

•Will it promote a greater consumption of beer to enable the drinker to re-load to try to make baseball history on the ballpark video board?

•Can pee-controlled urinal video gaming ever make the major leagues?

•Will fans at the IronPigs games no longer need to wee-wee-wee all the way home?