Some Signs I’d Like to See

by Curt Kovener

Those of you who call the newspaper and leave a message with our electronic secretary or perhaps you see some of our ads know that we promote ourselves as “The Best Little Paper In Town!” And now, according to the United State Postal Service we are also “The largest weekly newspaper in Jackson County!”
Some years back the local dry cleaning service, we used to advertise “You can drop your pants here.”
Which got me to thinking about some other sign/slogan possibilities for area businesses.
Perhaps Lee Tire & 4×4 should claim their customers come to them “To be retired”.
Maybe Dorsey’s Auto Body Shop should ask: “May we have the next dents?”
How about on S&L Electric’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
At Scott County Tire where they fix and replace mufflers & exhaust pipes: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
Maybe Jackson County REMC should say: “We would be delighted if you pay your electric bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
At noontime on the door of Redneck Computers, the local computer store might be found: “Out for a quick byte.”
On the maternity room door at Schneck Medical Center: “Push, Push, Push.”
Maybe in the front yard of Adams Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
Or how about at Rick Clark’s Auto Repair where you can get a radiator fixed: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
Maybe a sign in the window of Wilson’s Diner in Freetown should read: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”
The Peoples Bank is known for some pretty good rates for auto loans. Perhaps their time & temperature sign could read: “The best way to get back on your feet—miss a car payment.”
Maybe found in the Brownstown Animal Hospital waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
Crothersville School is a non-smoking area. So maybe they ought to have posted: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On the side of Rumpke’s garbage trucks they could claim: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”
What we really need is an optometrist in town so the eye Doc’s sign could read: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”