Pun Stars

by Curt Kovener

A couple of my friends who enjoy puns are vacationing in warmer places now. The day they left it started snowing in the wilderness…so I guess the joke is on me.
But they will be reading these when the return in a couple of weeks so you will have a leg up on them, so to speak.
•The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
•What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home? “Where on Earth have you been?”
•What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
•They’ll never serve snails at McDonald’s because it’s not fast food.
•When seagulls fly over an ocean bay, do they become bagels?
A geologist found a rock 5,280 feet long. It’s a milestone!
•I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I’ve only have my shelf to blame.
• I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.
•I’ve decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust!
• What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Before tooth-hurtie!
• Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
• I was overcharged for velcro last week. What a rip off!
• I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
•A train stops at a train station. A bus stops at a bus station. Now why is my desk called a ‘work station’?
•I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B negative.
•Did you heard about the magic tractor? It turned into a field!
•To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing!
•I used to be a banker, but over time I lost interest.
•I can’t understand why people are so bothered about me not knowing what the word ‘apocalypse’ means. It’s not like it’s the end of the world!
•I’m still angry at my parents for not buying me expensive roller blades. Cheapskates!
•”Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” ~George Carlin
•”I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.” ~Dorothy Parker
•“You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. Unless, of course, you play bass.” ~Douglas Adams
•“Carpe per diem: sieze the check,” ~Robin Williams
•“If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.” ~Groucho Marx
•Irish writer Oscar Wilde once bragged that he could make a pun on any subject. So someone challenged him; “The queen.” “Ah,” said Wilde, “but the queen is not a subject.”
•“You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.” ~Dorothy Parker
•I tried to find 10 more puns that made me laugh but no pun in ten did.