by Curt Kovener

I attended a birthday party last Friday evening and I believe I was about the youngest in attendance. In fact, even though I am just a couple of years shy of being three score years old, I think I brought the average age at this event down to around 78.
The very special occasion was the 90th birthday of Edna Pennington of Scottsburg.
I first met Edna through her son, Don, when we began playing music together several years ago. Don plays all things stringed: guitar, upright bass, mandolin and he was joined by our mutual friend John Sheckler who plays dulcimer.
As an aside, I soon learned that all three of us had worked for newspapers “way back when”. I was just the only one who didn’t graduate on to other things.
During the original three man get-to-know-one-another jam session, Edna wanders from the house into the barn to see what all of the racket was about.
Listening for a bit, she slid onto the piano bench and began plinking out honky tonk piano accompaniment. I smiled as this gray-haired grandmother could give Jerry Lee Lewis a run for his money.
Now Edna is no stay-at-home Mom. She can be found regularly at Scott Memorial Hospital as one of the pink lady volunteers.
On Friday I was told to arrive around 7 p.m. at the Pennington’s party barn and when I did found the parking areas full and music already flowing. It seems old folks like to party as well. Either that of because of their advanced years they want to get some more good times in just in case their name gets called for roll call by the Almighty.
It was a delightful evening of food and music with most of it (the food and the music) being supplied by Country Neighbors significantly older than I. But the party ended pretty abruptly as all of those early starters decided they needed to be home before dark.
Through all the food, through all the music, Edna showed no sign of being 90 years old as she joked and joshed and played that piano with aplomb.
Last year at her 89th birthday she said it was a rehearsal for her 90th. Now we are all looking forward to she what she will do for her century celebration.
I am glad I got to celebrate with such a gracious, fun loving lady.

by Curt Kovener

Small towns are where everyone knows your business whether you want them to or not. And there are other telltale signs that you are from a small town…
•You can name everyone you graduated with.
•You get a whiff of manure and think of home.
•You said the ‘f’ word and your parents knew within the hour.
•You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won’t.
•Almost everyone in your school also has a cousin in your school.
•It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
•You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date.
•Whenever you decided to walk to school for exercise, twenty cars pulled over and offered you a lift.
•You could set your bookbag out in the hall at lunchtime and it would still be there when you came out of the cafeteria.
•There were three generations of your family in the same bleacher row at every home game.
•You know all the old veterans carrying the flags in the festival parade.
•For that matter, you know everybody in the festival parade.
•Your only newspaper was a weekly.
•The mini-mall you now shop at has more stores than your entire home town.
•Loitering isn’t a bad thing, it’s the only thing.
•The Shell station and Subway are the only franchised businesses in town.
•You refer to THE stop light.
•You don’t give directions by street names or house numbers, but by references (“Turn right by library, go past the VFW, and it’s the fourth house on the left past the stop sign.)
•You call lunch-dinner; and dinner-supper.

by Curt Kovener

Summer school session has begun and one of the focuses in the public school is language arts.
English is a peculiarly difficult and illogical language…even for someone who gleaned enough to make his living with word from Crothersville High School English teacher Corean Lewis.
Pay attention to the rhythm and rhyme and the truths of the English language gleaned from an unknown author.
- – - – -
We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Let’s face it, English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
- – - – -
Truthful, accurate and unexplainable.

by Curt Kovener

Just when I thought I had exhausted all of the puns and wise acre word smith remarks, more came running in to the office. Perhaps you won’t mind indulging me with these witticisms.
•Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
•A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
•Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
•Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
•Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
•A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
•A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
•Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
•Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
•Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
•When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
•A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
•What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)
•She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
•A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
•If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
•With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
•The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
•You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
•Every calendar’s days are numbered.
•A lot of money is tainted – Taint yours and taint mine.
•A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
•He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
•Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
•Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
•Acupuncture is a jab well done.

by Curt Kovener

The 114th senior class at Crothersville High School will be graduating this Sunday and they are to be congratulated for completing the educational milestone.
But they also need be aware that high school graduation means the easiest time of their life is just about to draw to a close. Now I certainly didn’t feel that way four decades ago before graduation day, I thought high school and particularly two or three teachers intentionally made it particularly difficult for me. But high school it turns out, was the easiest ride of my life.
However, with the benefit of some living I find the advice proffered then by those who I thought were over the hill and out of touch still rings true.
The Statler Brothers are right: “Things get complicated when you get past eighteen.”
But even though, throughout the coming complicated times, always remember the Golden Rule: “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” Admittedly, that very simple Scriptural based philosophy is difficult when the alligators seem to be snapping all around you, but in the longer scheme of things, you, your family and your community will be better for it.
While we live in a world of instant gratification and immediate convenience, always remember that the things of true value and quality take time. Diamonds are merely chunks of coal put under pressure for a long time. Whether it be your job, your community, your church, stay with it for the long haul.
And remember through those tough times metal gets stronger when it is tempered by fire. The same is true of the human spirit. While the difficult times are never pleasant, seeing them through helps develop character.
When things seem to be at their blackest, remember “Tough times never last, tough people do.”
Grampa used to tell me the story of a farmer who took his potato crop to market. Rather than drive his horse & wagon over the well used, smooth path, this farmer went over the roughest roads on the way into town. “In rough times the big potatoes rise to the top,” he would say. And it is true in more than just the physical farming sense.
But do not become so tough that your heart is callused to the needs and concerns of others. There will always be folks less fortunate than you. Do not turn your head and your heart to them. Consider for a bit what it might be like to walk in their shoes and remember the Golden Rule.
We were put here for a reason and that reason is not to be a bunch of takers and collect as much of life’s “stuff” that we can. Giving of our time and ourselves is much more important. Remember to do what you can to make your family and your community better than how you found it.
“Live simply so others can simply live,” is a good philosophy to govern your life.
Stand up for that which you believe is right. Speak out against injustice. Do not accept at face value that “we do it this way because we’ve always done it this way.” See if you can find a better way.
Keep up with new, emerging technology but do not allow it to force you to sacrifice the simple joys of walks in the woods with nature. Those times are therapeutic breaths of fresh air for the soul to better prepare you to deal with the continually hectic, continually advancing workplace technologies.
I remember a story told by one of the speakers at one of the graduations I have attended over the years. It seems a recent college graduate runs to the top of the campus hill, thrusts his arts diploma toward the sky and shouts proudly, “Look world, I earned my AB degree.” To which the world replies, “Then pay attention, son, and I’ll teach you the rest of the alphabet.”
So seniors, this column may not mean much to you today. But place it in your scrap book or high school annual for future reference. It may gain some wisdom over the next decade or two.
And remember the Golden Rule.

by Curt Kovener

Here are some general questions to test your knowledge on some semi-useless bits of trivia. Answers can be found below. No peeking.
(1) There’s one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
(4) Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
(5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
6) In some liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
(7) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters “dw.” They are all common. Name two of them.
(8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
(9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the “Los Angeles Lakers?”
(10) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls (a walk) is one way. Name the other six.
(11) It’s the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
(12) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter “s.”

ANSWERS
1. Boxing.
2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 1/2 feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. Baseball.
5. Strawberry.
6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.
10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder’s choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.
11. Lettuce.
12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings.

by Curt Kovener

As I mowed in the wilderness this past weekend, I noted that it was a week after the Kentucky Derby but I was wearing a flannel shirt and an insulated jacket while I trimmed the lush spring greenery.
And it must have been, as the old timers call it, “blackberry winter” as the blackberries are beginning to bloom. If it is any indication (and hopefully the cold front winds didn’t blow too many blooms off the plants) it could be a bumper crop year for wild blackberries.
Even the ground hugging dewberries can be easily spotted now (and mental notes of their location made for when the berries ripen).
You’ll recall Charley likes dewberries and some of the low hanging blackberries. I am not sure how he manages to avoid thorns in his tongue or lips but last year as I was picking berries I thought a yellow pig was rooting around nearby.
Another springtime surprise greeted me this weekend as well.
But some background is first needed.
I have a neighbor down the road…well actually they are nine miles south but in country terms they are still neighbors…who has a persimmon tree growing near the roadway. And for the past several years I have admired the billiard ball size fruit on this tree.
Last year I called for permission to pick up a few persimmons explaining I was seeking the seeds hoping to get some of the large fruited trees growing on my property.
My neighbor said she had just processed a back of persimmons and would clean and bag some seeds and leave them on their picnic table for me to pick up.
She also told me her father bought the tree about 50 years ago from a nursery in nearby Pekin.
So late last fall I carefully planted a single seed in 25 4-inch pots, watered them well, covered them with fallen leaves and walked away.
Persimmons, you see, must go through a scarification process of winter cold before they will sprout. Throughout the winter I would shovel a bit of snow onto the pots for insulation from the cold and for moisture when above freezing temperatures arrived.
Now back to my weekend surprise, eight little persimmon trees are now about four inches tall and some are getting their second set of leaves.
Eventually I will set these trees out in some sunny part of the meadow and then put some deer fencing up to help insure they don’t become a part of a whitetail salad.

by Curt Kovener

Those of you who call the newspaper and leave a message with our electronic secretary or mayhaps you see some of our ads in school programs know that we promote ourselves as “The Best Little Paper In Town.”
Some years back when we also owned the local dry cleaning service, we used to advertise “You can drop your pants here.”
Which got me to thinking about some other sign & slogan possibilities for area businesses.
Lee’s Tire & 4×4 could claim their customers came to them “To be retired”.
Maybe Dorsey’s Auto Body Shop should ask: “May we have the next dents?”
How about on S&L Electric’s trucks: “Let us remove your shorts.”
At Howard’s Auto repair where they fix and replace mufflers & exhaust pipes: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
Jackson County REMC perhaps should say: “We would be delighted if you pay your electric bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
On the maternity room door at Schneck Medical Center: “Push, Push, Push.”
Maybe in the front yard of Adams Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
Or how about outside Maxie’s Garage where you can get a radiator repaired: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
Maybe a sign at the local Subway’s window should read: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”
The Peoples Bank is known for some pretty good rates for auto loans. Perhaps their time & temperature sign could read: “The best way to get back on your feet—miss a car payment.”
Maybe found in the Brownstown Animal Hospital’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
Crothersville School is a non-smoking area. So maybe they ought to have posted: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
Peggy Adams is the choral music teacher at school and there are probably times a sign on her door could read: “Out Chopin.”
On the side of Rumpke’s garbage trucks they could claim: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”
What we really need is an optometrist in town so the eye Doc’s sign could read: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

by Curt Kovener

Maybe you have called chickens, Maybe you have called hogs. If you are an outdoors person, maybe you have been in the woods calling wild turkeys. But have you ever heard of calling earthworms?
Me neither, until sometime back.
The only printed material that I’ve actually seen concerning the practice of “worm grunting” (as the art of earthworm calling is called in Florida) is a copy of a U.S. Forestry Service record of the number of worm calling permits sold for use in the Apalachicola National Forest, in Florida’s panhandle. About 700 annual permits are sold each year, mostly to professional bait dealers.
The whole concept is really simple. For some reason, vibrations just seem to drive earthworms out of the ground. There are several theories on this: one theory holds that vibrations created in worm grunting may simulate those of falling rain, and the worms may be surfacing instinctively to avoid drowning. A second theory maintains that the vibrations closely mimic those created by tunneling moles or shrews (both of which are voracious worm hunters) and the earthworms are coming to the surface to avoid being eaten. Still another theory claims that the vibrations may somewhat resemble those preceding seismic disturbances, again causing the worms to surface instinctively.
Actually, any method of sending vibrations through the ground seems effective in bringing worms to the surface; it’s just that some methods seem to work a little better than others. Probably the simplest (and certainly one of the easiest) methods utilizes nothing more than one smooth stick or board and one notched stick or board.
The smooth piece of wood is driven into the ground, then the notched piece is drawn back and forth across it with a saw-like motion. It can take anywhere from a minute or two up to half an hour or so until the worms start to surface.
And I suppose you could just take the notched wood bow and “saw” around on a variety of fence posts to find your worm honey hole.
Practice and experimentation on the part of the caller will definitely increase the effectiveness of this technique as there are a wide range of soil types, wood varieties, etc. to be encountered. But, I’ve read that once you’ve mastered the technique, you’ll have a pretty reliable method of obtaining fresh fish bait or chicken feed.
A concrete contractor developed a method that wouldn’t at all relate to wilderness use; however, it’s interesting enough to mention. He calls it “the Mother of all Worm Grunters”.
He had driven a length of 4” galvanized pipe about five or six feet into the ground, leaving only about 8” protruding. Whenever he feels like making a weekend fishing excursion or giving his chickens a little extra protein to boost their egg production, he’ll go out and drop the working end of a concrete vibrator down the pipe and turn it on for half an hour or so.
So there you have it. If you don’t like the after dark out in the yard with a flash light to snatch and grab for nightcrawlers, (I’m not as fast as I used to be) you might try your hand at calling them up to you.
Or you could just go to a bait shop.

by Curt Kovener

There was some scattered frost around the wilderness Sunday. Even though spring wildflowers are blooming, Old Man Winter is begrudgingly giving way to the growing season. And while there was morning frost, by mid-afternoon I was working in shirt sleeves.
In the woodland meadow are violets galore along with the white & pink tinged Spring Beauties and yellow Johnny jump-ups. The paw-paw trees are forming their bronze bell-like flowers and red bud and dog wood are all in full bloom. The three leafed & three petaled Trillium are blooming and I see May Apple blossoms forming.
Critters are also moving about in the warmer weather. Unfortunately showing activity is the tent caterpillar. Their webby fortress is visible in the crotch of young wild cherry trees and the worms grow as they devour the cherry foliage.
I make it a personal task to remove the invaders to try to spare the young trees. And practicing recycling, the glob of web and worms gets shaken from the dock to the delight of the always hungry bluegill.
This past weekend was winter cleanup as I helped my neighbor remove some downed trees. We took the trunks of the tree and stacked them into a pyramid and placed the brush over the top making a brush pile for critters. Rabbits should like the habitat as a place to hide from predators and hawks which I have been seeing in greater numbers this past years.
As I mowed for the first time Sunday afternoon, I noticed a large clump of black netting. It formerly served as a fence to keep deer from the thornless blackberry. I figured that a deer, possibly a buck who has not yet shed his antlers, tried to nibble the tender growth of the thornless berries & got the netting caught and ran off.
But when I stopped the mower to move the debris, I think I learned the real reason it was torn from the fence posts. There were remnants of a partially eaten blacksnake which had gotten caught trying to crawl through black netting. (I have had to cut free other snakes which became imprisoned in such a manner in the past.)
I suspect that a raccoon attempted to carry of the still not dead snake and pulled snake, fence & all down the hill for lunch or supper.
But the leaves and flowers are not the only things to be greening up in the wilderness.
The spearmint wintered over quite well in its large pot in the basement. Now that it has been moved near the sidewalk, the warm weather, sunshine and rain is sending fresh mint skyward a harbinger of the coming julep season.
It is a delight to share a julep with a friend as we watch the wonder of the woodland wilderness.