by Curt Kovener

There were all types of nature’s wonderment as I navigated out the wilderness lane on the way to church. And fortunately, I left early enough to allow for some time to watch the show.

It is mating season for the endangered Eastern Box Turtles and the boys are traveling looking for female companionship. Not once, but twice I stopped while a land turtle with amorous intentions crossed the lane in front of me seeking romance.

If I see them out on the highway and the roadway is clear behind me, I will stop and help them across. Not to speed them on their way to their date but to help insure an inattentive driver doesn’t send them to an early demise. Turtles really can’t hurry to get out of the way of fast approaching vehicles, you know.

Continuing on the trek out the lane I saw (how do I phrase this in a family newspaper) a pile of poop. A pile of fuzzy poop. The fuzz having formerly been the fur on some woodland creature but has now passed through the digestive system on a coyote. And taking a dump on a well traveled path is what coyotes do to let all other critters know they are in the area.

So I guess that make coyotes precise particular poopers as in contrast to the indiscriminate offerings to the earth that Charley, my yellow lab, provides.

Continuing on my way out the lane that morning, I apparently broke up a fight. There was this squirrel with his back to me standing up on his back legs in the middle of the road.

Across the ring…I mean, lane… were three crows kind of bobbing and weaving their way towards the squirrel which had his tail and all of his hair fluffed out to make the biggest menacing impression he could. I rather imagined he was on his back legs with his fists clenched and goading the crows to make their best move.

I am not sure what the cause of the confrontation was, but my vehicle’s sudden appearance made all aggressors scatter to various trees thus ending the impending fight.

And it was for the best, I suppose. Afterall, I thought on my way to church: Blessed are the peacemakers.

by Curt Kovener     

Young children frequently ask “why”. Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why is water wet? Why does the newspaper editor have a funny moustache?

And then when they receive their answer, they follow up with another “Why?”

Adults have some questions about ‘how’s come is it?’… another way of asking “Why?”

•Why do supermarkets and pharmacies make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

•Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

•Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the  garage?

•Why does the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

•Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth  closed?

•Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins  Lottery’?

•Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

•Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do ‘practice’?  But when they send you a bill it is for “professional services”?

•Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

•Why is the man who invests all your money called a  broker?

•Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

•Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

•Now that it is warmer weather and we enjoy being outdoors, why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

•Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal  injections?

•Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

•Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

•If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

by Curt Kovener      

Our mothers tried to teach us some valuable lessons important in life. Moms have a unique ability to impart essential wisdom. Unfortunately, most of us were too young to really appreciate their value. Author Bryan Golden sent this to the newspaper a couple of years ago. Mother’s Day is a great time to review the advice you got when you were a kid.

You can be whatever you want to be. You have no limitations. The whole world is open to you. Your future is ahead of you. You can accomplish whatever you set your mind to. It’s ok to dream.

Be nice to your friends and they will be nice to you. People respond to the way you treat them. If you are mean and selfish, no one will want to play with you. Share your toys and don’t be a bully. Be considerate of the feelings of others.

Do your homework and you will get good grades. Success takes work. If you don’t put in the effort, you won’t reap the rewards. Those who work hard will succeed.

Clean your room now. Get things done today and you won’t have to worry about them. If you let things pile up, it will be difficult to catch up.

You can play once your chores are done. Get your work done before you take a break. Then you can relax and have a good time.

Stay in school. If you don’t get an education, your opportunities will be limited. Don’t drop out of school. The more you learn, the more you benefit.

Sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you. It doesn’t matter what other people say. Don’t allow others to upset you. There will always be mean people. Don’t pay attention to them.

Don’t waste your time. Time goes by very fast. Don’t wait to pursue your dreams.

Be thankful for what you have. There are many who are not as fortunate as you. Be grateful for your home and family. It doesn’t matter what someone else has.

Don’t complain. Whining is annoying. If you have something to say, say it. If you complain all the time, no one will want to listen to you.

Happy Mothers’ Day, Mom.

by Curt Kovener    

Last week’s column on church bulletin bloopers prompted a number of you to email in some additional religulous humor.

While we don’t want to become a theological column, we will leave that for our friend Jerry Ousley in his weekly Spirit Bread inspirational, here are some occupationally appropriate hymns thus proving once again, the Almighty has a sense of humor.

Dentist’s Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns.

Weatherman’s Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings.

Contractor’s Hymn: The Church’s One Foundation.

The Tailor’s Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy.

The Golfer’s Hymn: There’s a Green Hill Far Away.

The Politician’s Hymn: Standing on the Promises!

Optometrist’s Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See.

The IRS Agent’s Hymn: I Surrender All.

The Gossip’s Hymn: Pass It On.

The Electrician’s Hymn: Send The Light.

The Shopper’s Hymn: Sweet Bye and Bye.

The Realtor’s Hymn: I’ve Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop.

The Massage Therapist’s Hymn: He Touched Me.

For those of us who sometimes exceed the speed limit on the highway; these hymns are appropriate.

55 mph: God Will Take Care of You.

75 mph: Nearer My God To Thee.

85 mph: This World Is Not My Home.

95 mph: Lord, I’m Coming Home.

100 mph: Precious Memories.

by Curt Kovener    

Typos, dangling participles and well-intentioned but twisted phrases are not found just in this (and a bunch of other) newspapers. My high school English teacher is still posthumously sighing and rolling her eyes at the faux pas found on these pages.

But some of the more humorous-albeit well intentioned- grammar goofs can be found in church bulletins and announcements.

This week you can thank my mother who sent this to me who got this from her cousin who got it from her cousin who got it from a friend of the family, who…well, you can figure out this isn’t original to me.

Whether you regularly worship or not, you will find some chuckles from these church messages.

•The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

•The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

•Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

•Don’t let worry kill you off- let the Church help.

•Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

•Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

•At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

•Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

•The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. (Now that is a troublingly true statement.)

•Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m.- prayer and medication to follow.

•The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

•This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin

•Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. (and perhaps another painfully true statement).

•The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

•Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

•Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

•The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new fundraising campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge- Up Yours .”

by Curt Kovener    

Every Indiana legislative session there are a few bills that get introduced that make you wonder just what the thunder the legislator was thinking. I often think how he/she was so successful in fooling a majority of his/her electorate that they possessed common sense.

But it seems Hoosiers don’t have a corner on lamebrain laws as a list from Discovery Magazine can attest.

•It’s illegal to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger in Oklahoma.

•Thanks to an Act of 1760, it is illegal to put pretzels in bags in Philadelphia.

• In Connecticut, it can’t be legally considered a pickle unless the pickle bounces.

•You can get a 25-year prison term if you cut down a cactus in Arizona.

•In Georgia, it is illegal to change clothes on storefront mannequins unless the shades are drawn first.

•Men with mustaches cannot kiss women in Eureka, Nevada. (Oh-oh…but I’ve never been to Nevada.)

•It is illegal to play dominoes on Sunday in Alabama.

•You are not allowed to slurp your soup in Ocean City, NY.

•In Detroit it is illegal to tie crocodiles to fire hydrant.

•Silly String is banned in Southington, Connecticut.

•You can’t legally cross Minnesota state lines with a duck on top of your head.

•In Rhode Island you are not allowed to bite off another person’s leg.

•It is illegal to tease skunks in Minnesota. (It is also pretty durned dumb.)

•Gorillas aren’t allowed in the back seat of cars in Massachusetts. (But I suppose it is perfectly OK for them to drive.)

•In Idaho you can’t fish while on a camel’s back.

•It is illegal to NOT drink milk in Utah.

•It is illegal to get a fish drunk in Ohio.

•Whistling underwater is illegal in West Virginia. (Seems logical in a state that says it is OK to bulldoze off the top of a mountain to fill in the valleys to get to any coal.)