Pun Stars

by Curt Kovener

A couple of my friends who enjoy puns are vacationing in warmer places now. The day they left it started snowing in the wilderness…so I guess the joke is on me.
But they will be reading these when the return in a couple of weeks so you will have a leg up on them, so to speak.
•The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
•What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home? “Where on Earth have you been?”
•What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
•They’ll never serve snails at McDonald’s because it’s not fast food.
•When seagulls fly over an ocean bay, do they become bagels?
A geologist found a rock 5,280 feet long. It’s a milestone!
•I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I’ve only have my shelf to blame.
• I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.
•I’ve decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust!
• What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Before tooth-hurtie!
• Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
• I was overcharged for velcro last week. What a rip off!
• I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
•A train stops at a train station. A bus stops at a bus station. Now why is my desk called a ‘work station’?
•I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B negative.
•Did you heard about the magic tractor? It turned into a field!
•To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing!
•I used to be a banker, but over time I lost interest.
•I can’t understand why people are so bothered about me not knowing what the word ‘apocalypse’ means. It’s not like it’s the end of the world!
•I’m still angry at my parents for not buying me expensive roller blades. Cheapskates!
•”Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” ~George Carlin
•”I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.” ~Dorothy Parker
•“You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. Unless, of course, you play bass.” ~Douglas Adams
•“Carpe per diem: sieze the check,” ~Robin Williams
•“If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.” ~Groucho Marx
•Irish writer Oscar Wilde once bragged that he could make a pun on any subject. So someone challenged him; “The queen.” “Ah,” said Wilde, “but the queen is not a subject.”
•“You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.” ~Dorothy Parker
•I tried to find 10 more puns that made me laugh but no pun in ten did.

Gone Now But Will Be Back

by Curt Kovener

While there was sufficient ice on the pond we used the seasonal hard water to aid in our invasive plant reduction efforts.
Way back in the day the Indiana DNR provided wildlife planting packets to benefit birds and add beauty to the forest edges.
One of the plants, provided by the state was Autumn Olive. In the summer there are sweet smelling white blossoms that attract bees and pollinators of all sorts. Sitting on the dock you can hear them buzzing about. Then late summer small fruit covers the plants and the birds have a feast through fall.
The problem is that after dining and defecating, the autumn olive seed now with attached fertilizer germinates…all over the place.
This is not a problem if the bird poops where we usually mow. The summer mowing controls and kills the unwanted invasive. But plants sprout and grow at the pond’s edge where there is plenty of sun and plenty of water and extremely limited access to mow, weed whack or saw the invasive.
Last month a 7” coating of pond ice was used as a platform to cut out the heretofore inaccessible invasive.
My chainsaw made quick work of the shrub and a stump spray of brush killer should prevent re-spouting this spring.
The difficult part was hauling the now cut autumn olive branches, some upwards of 3” in diameter, across the slippery ice onto the dock then pulled up the steps to the Gator for transport to the burn pile.
I enjoy outdoor work. But the winter sedentary habit I seasonally fall into doesn’t care for the sudden exercise. My knees, back and muscles rebelled loudly that evening.
An un-iced adult beverage help numb my pain and aided sleep to come.
The ice is pretty much off the pond in the wilderness now and we are grateful.
Grateful for the warmer (but no doubt temporary) weather. And grateful that an ice breaking rescue did not have to be implemented for Emma the 100-pound Great Pyrenees.
Pyrenees are livestock protection dogs and she considers her humans her livestock and thus all noises, real and imagined, are considered threats. Threats are answered by lots of loud barking and a run to investigate. The ice on the pond she considered a short cut for her protection territory obligation.
That wasn’t a problem when the thermometer was in the single digits and teens. But as temperatures warmed making thinner ice, we worried about an unexpected bath in the pond for Emma and how to pull her from the icy water.
I was conflicted by old sayings: “Be prepared,” I recall as the Boy Scout motto and “Worry is the interest you pay on a debt that is not yet due.”
So it seems our motto of the Wilderness is “Be prepared to worry.” Which may be sound advice for all Americans these days.

Our Collective Wisdom

by Curt Kovener

It has been a while since we visited ‘The Wisdom of the Midwest’, a collection of quotes of common sense and uncommon genius from people who grew up as middle Americans.
“Education is not preparation for life. It is life itself.” ~John Dewey
“Absorb ideas from every source.” ~Thomas Edison
“Knowledge is not power. It is potential power. What’s needed is the ability to motivate yourself to do what you know needs doing.” ~W. Clement Stone
“Time is a great teacher.” ~Carl Sandburg
“The trouble with the world is not that people know so little, but that they know so many things that ain’t so.” ~Mark Twain
“A closed mind is a dying man.” ~Edna Ferber
“A good scare is worth more than good advice.” ~Edgar Watson Howe
“The only thing new in this world is the history you don’t know.” ~Harry S. Truman
“I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.” ~Ernest Hemingway
“Technology does not improve the quality of life; it improves the quality of things. Improving the quality of life requires the application of wisdom.” ~Neil Armstrong
“Lord, deliver me from the man who never makes a mistake, and also from the man who makes the same mistake twice.” ~William Mayo
“Excesses ultimately, inevitably, are their own undoing.” ~Paul Harvey
“The truth is more important than the facts.” ~Frank Lloyd Wright
“What I have learned growing up is that we have power over words, not the other way around.” ~Tim Allen
“You can tell the size of a man by the size of the thing it takes to make him mad.” ~Adlai Stevenson
“Egotism is the anesthetic that lulls the pain of stupidity.” ~Frank Leahy
“Always keep an open mind and a compassionate heart.” ~ Phil Jackson
All wisdom inspired by Middle Americans, but unheard and unheeded, by our nation’s leadership.

Retirement Can Be A Good Thing

by Curt Kovener

The Times is losing another longtime colleague and friend. I had mixed emotions when told of Postmaster Carolyn King’s pending retirement this Friday.
She has been around having a hand at delivering your weekly newspaper as long as the Times has been in business. She started at the post office in December 1980 the same month the Times began publishing its first issue.
I will miss my friend and news deliverer colleague. I will miss her ever cheerful disposition. She could be having a really bad day, feeling ill, dealing with whatever family thing cropped up at home but you would never know if from her cheerful greeting when you entered the Crothersville Post Office doors.
Believe me, she knew when I was having one of those seemingly all too frequent bad days, and sought to bring a bit of sunshine and humor to try to improve my day.
Her retirement probably breaks a string of locally residing postmasters for Crothersville. When she and the Times began in 1980 Crothersville’s John Dorsey was the postmaster. When he became the postmaster in Brownstown, Crothersville native Cheryl Trisler became the postmaster. And when Cheryl retired in 1998, Carolyn was named the Officer In Charge before officially being named Crothersville Postmaster.
When she said she wasn’t sure what she would do in retirement, I pointed out that both of her preceding postmasters went on to other careers after postal retirement. That caused her to offer a hopeful smile.
I guess you could say that I am responsible for her being named the head of the local post office. Her competence and friendly customer service not withstanding, I wrote a letter of recommendation to her postal supervisor supporting her elevation to lead the local post office.
Well, me and a dozen or so other local businesses that sent letters of recommendation, that is.
Over the years, there have been challenges to how the post office does business with periodical class mail like the Times.
At first we turned in a hand written mail reports monthly making sure a check was delivered the first of each month leaving an account balance sufficient to deliver your Times. Then the postal supervisors said they wanted a report every week. Then they said they wanted the report computer generated using software that they approved. (No, they didn’t provide it, we had to buy it and pay for the updates.) And at one point a couple of postal auditors wanted to argue with the results of the required USPS certified software generated Times report. After two guys each spent six hours one day to find a 12¢ discrepancy, I could quickly figure why the post office was losing money. Fortunately, those guys are retired.
So retirement can be a good thing.
I am disappointed to report that Carolyn broke a mutual promise we made to one another in September 1998. When she was named Crothersville Postmaster—the person in charge of seeing that I abided by postal periodical regulations and seeing that you received your copy of the times each Wednesday—we privately agreed that we would retire together.
Oh well, the Times has outlived three postmasters’ tenure—a remarkable feat in today’s newspaper publishing world. I suppose we can break in a fourth one. But do one count on a fifth. At this stage of my unretired career, I will probably drink it.
For Carolyn, no more getting up at 5 a.m. to be in the office by 6:30. There’ll be spending more time with family in Florida, having more time to do what she wants to do rather than deal with and implement the latest USPS initiative: Retirement can be a good thing.

The Grassroots Role Of The Press

This week we turn over this column space to a friend and colleague—a newspaper reporter, editor and owner spanning a 50-year career. Joseph F. Persinger penned this piece on the importance of locally owned, hometown newspapers. Persinger formerly worked for the Seymour Tribune when it was locally owned and owned the Brownstown Banner here in Jackson County.
–    –    –    –
When train travel began to replace the big river paddle-wheelers, Mark Twain found himself out of work.
“I needed a job,” he said, “but I didn’t want to work, so I became a journalist.”
That’s funny, but in my experience it’s not true.
In 50 years as a journalist, I knew many, many reporters, photographers, and editors who worked hard and long hours for not much money to keep folks informed about things going on in their community.
Especially in smaller towns, most journalists I have known took very seriously their role as the eyes and ears of all those who were unable or unwilling to attend school board meeting, town council meeting, court news, groundbreaking ceremony or other community events.
They knew their reporting would become part of the local historical record, and they did their best to be as accurate as humanly possible.
They kept citizens informed about how their tax dollars were being spent, who was being hired for county or city jobs or construction projects, and whether public business was being conducted in an open and honest manner.
That responsibility hasn’t changed and is still being fulfilled by legitimate news gathering organizations in towns and cities all across America.
We should all be thankful that, so far at least, we still have a free and independent Press.

A Pride, An Ambush, and A Sleuth… Oh My!

by Curt Kovener

A collective noun, as students of Mrs. Lewis’s high school English class will tell you, is a word for a group of specific items, animals or people. For example, a group of ships is called a fleet, a group of cows is called a herd, a group of lions is called a pride, a group of baseball players is called a team, and a group of ants is called a colony.

But there are unique names for a collection of animals; some are obvious after some thought, others are head scratchers.

For instance, it is a cauldron of bats, it is a kindle of kittens but as they mature a group of cats is a clowder. A group of puppies is a litter and a group of dogs is a pack.

On the farm it is a tribe of goats, flock of chickens, a gaggle of geese, a pace of donkeys, a pack of mules, and not a CAFO of hogs but a passel of pigs.

For the less domesticated animals it is a cauldron of bats, a band of gorillas, a pod of whales, a warren of rabbits, a murder of crows, an unkindness of ravens, a covey of quail, a kettle of hawks, a convocation of eagles, a troop of kangaroos.

Then there are those collective names that, after some thought, make perfect sense: a labor of moles, a charm of finches, a stand of flamingos, a romp of otters, scold of bluejays, a crash of rhinoceroses, a scurry of squirrels, a pandemonium of parrots, they are a flock of ducks in flight but a raft of ducks on the water, a tower of giraffes.

And finally, a group of owls (the bird known for being wise) is called a parliament. A group of baboons is called a congress.

I shall leave you to meditate on that without comment.